ARTICLES ON GRIEF AND LOSS

HEALING THE GRIEVING HEART

When someone we love dies, the pieces of our life get scattered like a puzzle, and we have to rearrange them…and what comes out in the end is almost always a completely different picture than what we had before.  It takes time, a support network, and lots of patience and faith to adjust and integrate our physical loss on the way to restoring our well-being on all levels.  Eventually we may find that on the other side of that raging river lies a paradise that we never dared explore before.

It is perplexing that we choose to keep ignorant about one of the most important things we have to face in our lives.  As much as we agree on its inevitability, in our society we also are that much unfamiliar and unprepared for death when it does arrive.  And what we’re unfamiliar with we have a hard time dealing with, like a test we have not studied for.  Therefore, more education is the key. 

First we need to understand a little about how the body works, how the mind works, and how they work together…which will lead us to some methods we can use to mentally facilitate our acceptance of the transition process.  Following that we can learn about ways to heal our hearts and our emotions. Finally, if we are ready, we can continue on the road to spiritual healing and fulfillment.  It is all a step-by-step process and we need to be patient with ourselves as well as our own timetable and degree of unfoldment.  A brief synopsis follows.

How the Body Works

Most Eastern world philosophies share the understanding of the body’s personal energy systems, consisting of points called meridians (such as what is used in acupuncture to determine needle placement), chakras (energy centers), kinesiology (muscle testing), centering (associated with such martial art techniques such as aikido, tai chi, etc.), and others.  When they are not functioning at their peak capacity, these energy systems can be worked on in a similar manner to more “traditional“ services-through sessions designed for their specific purpose. Our thoughts and misperceptions can reduce the functionality of these systems, and the realignment of the systems can in turn correct our faulty thought patterns. Our sense organs also have many functions that mainstream science has still not explored significantly, such as E.M.D.R. (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Tomatis (a sound or listening technique), and Thought Field Therapy, a.k.a. Emotional Freedom Technique (a confluence of quantum physics, biology, acupressure, clinical psychology, and applied kinesiology), and many others. There is more than one path to healing. Oftentimes traditional counseling and/or psychotherapy overlooks these significant contributions to our wholeness, which is why it can in some cases drag on for years with seemingly little results.

How the Mind Works

There are several layers of the mind-ranging from the subconscious to the supra-conscious.  At the subconscious level we are most unaware of what is taking place within and around us, and therefore the most disconnected from all that is within and around us.  At the supra-conscious level we are most aware of what is taking place within and around us, resulting in greater understanding of purpose, and a greater connection to all that is within and around us.  In between are the other levels such as the conscious and the superconscious.  As we raise our consciousness we feel stronger, more assured, and able to cope.  What happens, though, is that our thought fields become misaligned with our true purpose, and we get off-track not only mentally, but emotionally and physically as well.  The healing lies not in a neurological or cognitive sense, but in that energy field of our thoughts. Guilt, for example, implies focusing inappropriately on the past, and fear implies focusing inappropriately on the future, resulting in cognitive dissonance and the feeling of being out of control of one’s choices and destiny.

How our Emotions Work

Our emotions are very much affected by our hormones, produced by various glands and not always at our conscious control.  With a balanced endocrine system our emotions remain more stabilized and within our control.  Besides proper nutrition, physical fitness, and a good support system, there are other ways to facilitate and achieve this balance, such as the bodywork ideas mentioned above.  The methods that we recommend are conducive to healing on ALL levels: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual.

A Bit About Soulwork

First of all, accept that it is a natural process in the human experience to mourn someone that is no longer there physically. Their physical body has been in interaction with yours. Their presence filled up the space, and when that is gone physically the human psyche needs to go through the different levels of dealing with the loss.

We suggest that you allow yourself to honor this mourning process in dealing with the loss of a loved one. Acknowledge that it is going to be difficult initially to live without that presence, to adapt one’s lifestyle in a different way, but it helps to understand and acknowledge that the presence of that soul is never gone.

When the person feels comfortable we suggest a farewell ceremony. The ceremony is saying goodbye to what was the physical presence, but reconnecting with the soul presence of the person. By saying goodbye to the physical aspect you allow their soul presence to truly ground and unite with your energy. You may find at that particular moment that something may manifest, perhaps a bee flies by or a butterfly comes to rest itself close to you, or a bird flies into the room. These are all confirmations that the person who has moved on is still there. But one must allow the human aspect the space to mourn this, to go through whatever degree of despair, anger, deep sorrow, sometimes even guilt that feels necessary, and then into peace, and sometimes the anger, sorrow and/or guilt may rise again. Do not stop it, go with it, don't stay in it, come out of it.

More on Synchronicity

Each person’s spiritual beliefs are personal and subjective.  Synchronistic events, however, are common to all life and transcend all belief systems.  During times of accelerated spiritual growth, whether or not we have invited it into our lives, we may notice an increase of coincidences in our lives which can lead to a greater sense of connectedness and purpose…which in turn can result in peace of mind, regardless of outside circumstances.

SOME THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW (from http://www.loveneverdies.net/)

1             Grief Waits.  If you put it away and try to ignore it, it will simply wait until you have no choice but to experience it.

2             We grieve as intensely as we love.

3             There is no "normal" in grieving.

4             You will never be the same person you were before your loss.

5             You must make a conscious decision to "get better."

6             There are no set-in-concrete stages or timelines in grief.

7             Other people will not understand your grief unless you share it.

8             It is okay to talk about your loved one as long as you want.

9             It is okay to keep their belongings as long as you want.

10          It is okay to include them in celebrations and special occasions for as long as you want.

11          "Finding closure" is not a requirement of healing. For many, it is not even an option.

12          Even in death . . . love remains.

The Various States of Grief

These states are not necessarily experienced by everyone, or in the same order, nor does everyone process each in the same amount of time or to the same degree of completion. These tenets intertwine with one another throughout the healing process. It can be very overwhelming but knowing that what you are feeling is normal and will pass can be instrumental in allowing yourself to get  through it. It is important to give yourself all the time you need to mourn.

1 - Confusion/Shock

This is a normal initial reaction.  Can literally take our breath away.

2 - Denial/Disbelief

We do not want to accept the reality of physical death.  This is a survival technique for the conscious mind while the subconscious mind absorbs and processes the information.

3 - Feelings Roller coaster: Anger/Guilt/Hope/Faith

More aggressive personalities tend to turn their grief outward and express it as anger, while more passive personalities may turn inward and resort to depression.  Stop saying “should.”  There can also be hope that it is all just a dream and we will wake up, and/or faith that we will get through it somehow.

4 - Despair/Depression/Yearning

This is when realization sets in.  This can be the longest state and support, companioning, and/or counseling can be very helpful. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) therapy may virtually eliminate the grieving process, something thought to be impossible a decade ago. Proper nutrition and physical fitness are essential. It is also important to face your feelings, express them constructively, and tell others what you need.

5 - Assimilation/Integration/Acceptance/Reconciliation

Grieving may be permanent, but over time we learn to integrate the physical absence of this person into our daily routine, and accept that we will need to learn to live with the change for the rest of our lives.  There are many ways in which this comes about and there are ways in which to facilitate the process.

6 - Understanding

Many people never reach this state, and it is not a requirement!  Also, the word “understanding” means something different to everyone, and is therefore a very personal matter.  We may never know “why.” What we can do is to make a gift of the person’s life by taking the legacy they left behind and finding a way to share that with others in a positive way.  Then we can give meaning and purpose to their life as well as to those left to carry on.  It can also help to write the person a letter or letters telling them how we feel.

8 - Reconstruction

We begin to rebuild our life from our new standpoint.  Mourning is the initial move in that direction.  A spiritual awakening could result as well—commencing a new beginning.

The following is written from the point of view of the deceased:

                                 What Is “Letting Go?”

You may have heard it said:  “At some point you have to let go.” 

Why do you suppose people say that?  What is it you have to let go of?  The person?  Your beliefs?  Something else?

Well, they might say you have to move on, but basically it means the same thing--moving away from the relationship with the deceased.  If we could come to a new understanding about this it could change our perspective on this issue forever.

Sure, you need to go on with your life--that is clear.  But not necessarily completely without that person.  Oftentimes it is the people closest to us that have the hardest time accepting that that type of a relationship is possible with us after we cross over.  But love never dies and we are always around you, whether or not you “believe” it.  And, please know, these words are not meant to be confusing or alarming, but reassuring and reaffirming in as gentle a way as possible. Some of you will actually be relieved to know that YOU DON’T HAVE TO LET GO.  Consciousness does survive physical death.

Of course, if you don’t want us to interfere, we never will.  But we are available to comfort you, to encourage you, to remind you to not give up, and that you are loved.  It really doesn’t matter so much what you do (unless you have a specific agreement with someone), but more that your lives are happy and fulfilled, and that you live each day with thankfulness and love in your heart. 

And more than anything we want you to be happy.  Yes, we respect that you grieve for us (although from our perspective it is not necessary), but we hope that you will not let it hold you back for too long.  Don’t hold back your grieving process and you will be able to find peace sooner.  Seek counseling if you need it, but make sure they don’t tell you to get over us!  Please DON’T get over us.  LOVE IS FOREVER.

                                It's OK to Grieve by Beverlee Garb

We spend so much time trying to be happy. What is so bad about being sad, about grieving?  The more I simply allow myself to feel what I feel when I feel it, the more I realize that sadness and grief are simply a tunnel leading to something new on the other side. When I finally give in and open the dams that keep these emotions abay, a flood of Truth rushes through my body and I am cleansed once again.

Today, I allow myself to grieve. I grieve the death of my youth and the arrival of middle age. I grieve the loss of my perfect skin, my perfect body, my radiance and my unaltered tenacity. I grieve the uncertainty of my vision. I gireve the  mystery of what lies ahead and the endless energy to pursue it. I grieve the knowledge that my parents will move on and that so little was said or done - that so much time was spent in hatred and misunderstanding. I grieve the sadness and the hardship that my baby girl will inevitably incur. I grieve, already, my shortcomings and my inability to be a perfect parent. I grieve that she is an only child and will have to face the world on her own at some point. I grieve that she already has so much anger in her little body. I grieve that I am in the meantime and I don't know what is to come. I grieve that I no longer want to simply float, I want to be anchored. I grieve the wrinkles that are forming on my forehead and my chest where once there was youth. Today, I grieve.